Monday, May 31, 2021

#22 - Cook With 10 New-to-Me Ingredients

 1 - Barley Malt Syrup

The recipe I found for bagels called for barley malt syrup to get that nice texture on the outside of the bagel. Barley malt syrup is not easy to find in a regular Michigan grocery store. I looked in a few different places and then ended up ordering some online. It definitely seems to have made a difference, in the texture of the surface and in getting the everything seasoning to stick during and after the baking. 

You can read about the bagel-making experience here.

2 - Anchovies

I've never worked with any canned, whole fish, and for a long time, believed they were likely gross. After a lot of food and cooking reading and research, I've learned that's not at all the case. 

I needed one tin of anchovies to add to a recipe, and I cannot for the life of me remember what that recipe was, so I'll update this if I remember. 

As I had leftover anchovies, I decided to give an authentic Caesar salad a go. Using a Serious Eats recipe, I wound up with a fantastically flavorful Caesar dressing with lots of punch. I tossed the dressing with fresh, chopped Romaine. Then, I improvised with the croutons, tossing them with vegetable oil and garlic salt, and then topped it all with some Parmesan cheese. Even my dad liked it, and he claims he's never had a Caesar salad he liked before. Anchovies for the win!

3 - Rice Noodles

I tried out a shrimp pad thai from Jane Hornby's What to Cook & How to Cook It. My dad loved it. I thought it could use a little more pasty texture in the sauce, but the flavor was great. 

One issue was the rice noodles, even though I read the recipe multiple times and watched a Gordon Ramsey video on a simple stir fry with rice noodles the night before. I did as instructed and poured boiling water over the noodles, letting them soak. What I didn't do, was make sure they weren't stuck together. The noodles that were stuck together were definitely undercooked, and al dente pad thai isn't a thing. So, I learned! Even while doing the rest of the cooking, make sure to check on the noodles to be sure they're not sticking!

4 - Bok Choy

While I was making the pad thai, I found some bok choy in the veggie drawer, which was curious because I don't recall ever finding bok choy in my parents' house. My mom was planning to use it for another recipe, but she okayed me using it as a side for the pad thai. I quickly blanched it and then finished it in the wok with soy, sweet chili sauce, and cornstarch. It wasn't the most impressive thing I've ever made, but it was quite a tasty side for the pad thai. The acid was a nice balance to the richness of the pad thai. I will totally play with this veggie again.

5 - Rainbow Chard

I think I've cooked with chard before, but I'm still counting this, as different varietals can have different tastes and preparations. I did a simple saute and marinate with olive oil, vinegar, garlic, and red pepper flakes. Really delicious. 

6, 7, & 8 - Dried Scallops, Dried Shrimp, (Vegetarian) Oyster Sauce

I knocked off a whole bunch of new ingredients by making XO sauce. Ever since I saw a video about this luxurious sauce on Serious Eats, I wanted to give it a try. It was certainly a pricy and time-consuming sauce to make, but dang, this thing can elevate the most simple, inexpensive meals. It took me several hours to complete and many, many steps and ingredients--something I usually try to avoid--but I'll definitely make it again when I eat all this batch up. I tried it on just a plain piece of fish (barrimudi) poached in chicken stock. It felt so fa
ncy and delicious. I had no idea what else to use it with, and my old camp friend suggested white rice, XO sauce, & a fried egg and then just adding the sauce to fried rice. Both were wildly simple and so so so good, like I felt like I was eating something special. I am going to keep this sauce around to add to stir fries and fried rice, which are some favs of mine because I can just throw in any veggie I have around and wind up with a quick, fantastic entree.

Also, I used vegetarian oyster sauce instead of regular because I have a food intolerance to oysters (yes, it's true, and it's tragic), and I didn't want to risk wasting all of the ingredients needed for the sauce if I had a bad reaction to regular oyster sauce.

9 - Green Garlic

Green garlic looks a lot like green onions, so I gave it a taste when it first arrived in my Irv & Shelley Fresh Picks box for the week. It is kind of like a mild garlic, and I was able to use it in a variety of ways. First I used it just in a breakfast sandwich and later integrated it into a rainbow chard saute.

10 - Dover Sole

I picked up some frozen dover sole at Trader Joe's one day, and then it just sat in my freezer because I didn't know what to do with it. Then, this year, on Fridays, I have been eating pescatarian meals, and one Friday, the sole was the only fish I had. I looked up some recipes and tried two versions: one with brown butter and one with lemon pepper. The lemon pepper was fine, but the brown butter was excellent. It was so rich and tasted like buttery shellfish. I can't wait to make it again.

11 & 12 - Fava Beans & Pea Shoots

My Fresh Picks box came with fava beans and pea shoots, and I was like, um... What do I do with these? I looked up a recipe with pea shoots and found one that included really any blanched green veggie and poached eggs on top of a bed of greens and a vinaigrette. It was so damn good. I wish it were easier to get pea shoots because the rest was so easy and flexible, but the pea shoots had a perfect sweetness to add to the veggies, acid from the vinaigrette, and the creaminess of the eggs. Such a great, easy salad with layers of flavor.


Tuesday, May 25, 2021

#87 - Visit a New State Park

This was so easy and pleasant to do that I'm embarrassed I haven't explored Illinois's state parks sooner.

To pick a park, I went to the Illinois State Park website, clicked on the most northeast region, and then went alphabetically through the parks... and stopped at the first one because it looked pretty and was only a 45-minute drive. 

I taught an (in-person) class on a Monday morning and then jumped in my car to head up to Adeline Jay Geo-Karis Illinois Beach State Park in Zion, IL.

There was a chance of rain, but instead, Mother Nature gifted me a gorgeous 70-degree, sunny day in the park. On my drive in, I managed to sight a snowy egret standing in the river. Over the summer of 2020 in Michigan, I had very casually started bird watching, so I was pumped to enter a new bird in my app so quickly. 

After a quick stop in the Nature Center, I eagerly started with a walk along the river to look for more birds. There were a ton of small ones who were too quick for me to identify without binoculars, but then I saw a huge bird gliding over the other side of the river: a Great Blue Heron. I wished I had binoculars, as it landed on the other side, a good 50 meters or more away, so I could only just make out the size, shape, and color. So cool.

After walking one of the river trails, I walked to the beach, which seemed so calm in comparison to the often choppy Lake Michigan near my apartment.

The park is full of trails and bike paths, and I'm eager to take my bike up there once I get it tuned up a bit.

On my drive out, I spotted two huge (like 4-5 feet tall) brown and black birds wading through the shallows, but my bird app was no help in identifying them. 

I'm stoked to head back someday with my bike and some binoculars. It was such a quick, pleasant road trip, just 3 hours total away, and a nice afternoon escape from the city. 


Sunday, May 9, 2021

#11 - Meditate Every Day for 21 Days

In past years, I've done 7 days of meditation, then 14, then 21. Each time, I am grateful I took the time for this practice... and then I go back to intermittent practice. I'm still trying to figure out why.

This year, I noticed that a short period of meditation was often a welcome reset in the middle of my afternoon. However, I also noticed that meditation was extremely difficult when I was anxious. I've certainly been anxious more often in the last year+ than ever before in my life, so these anxious meditation sessions were also more often, even in that 21-day window. 

In most sessions, I would find a spot outside, in the sun if possible, and select either the daily or motivation options on Headspace. I built from 5 minutes to 20. On the best days, my busy mind would take a break to notice the wind on my skin, the birds chirping, how my body felt that day, my breath, the warmth of the sun. It felt like a nap without the nap hangover.

But on the days where I was anxious, I couldn't sit still. I'd often squirm, open my eyes, and think about how long it had been, wonder when it would be over. I sat through it each time, but it was really uncomfortable to sit with myself when experiencing anxiety.

I suppose these different reactions to the practice make sense. It also makes sense that the more often I meditate, the less often I experience anxiety. 

I've experienced severe depression on and off for over 20 years now. It's to the point that I can quickly recognize the symptoms and take action for a quick recovery. It might take a day or two, but I am pretty adept at managing my depression, even during tough times.

Anxiety is new. I am new to managing it.

I developed anxiety during my PhD program. The intensity of my studies were certainly a factor, as was the distance from my family, but really, I'm confident my anxiety developed from comorbidity with depression and the extreme financial stress I faced while in my program (stress that returned this year when I unexpectedly lost my job). When I entered my program, financially, I was enticed by the reduction in tuition due to my circumstances, the communication that there would be additional graduate assistantship opportunities (even though I didn't have one when entering), and the promise that there were ample opportunities for scholarships based on merit. I'm a great student and was coming from a professional position where I grew and was valued for 6 years. I was confident I could secure scholarships and an assistantship if I worked it the same way I worked at many things I cared about (including this list).

Then, after many rejections and lack of consideration, even for part-time on-campus jobs, I learned that the one graduate assistantship I was a good fit for was not going to be vacated soon, and when it was, there was intense competition for it because there was only one related to administrative higher ed, even though my program had a focus in higher ed. Because there was so much competition for it, they split it into a few positions, none of which provided the recipients with enough compensation--and I was not even considered.

Around the same time, I learned all of the scholarships went to the graduate assistants. The attitude seemed to be that to recruit and keep the best students, the program had to give as much funding to a few students, rather than spreading it around and losing the interest of their top recruits. 

Though I applied for every scholarship for which I met the criteria, I believe I got 2 merit scholarships, worth 2 credits each, during my 3.75 years there.

I worked in the campus recreation department for my first 2 years, and besides my coworkers who became friends, it was miserable. I felt undervalued daily and disrespected regularly. Once, the director asked me, "Do you think your staff even respects you?" This was about a staff of 8 lifeguard/swim instructors who made minimum wage (despite 2 pricy, time-consuming certifications) and spent 8 hours/day in Southern California summer sun. Honestly, the staff were great. Not "great despite the circumstances." Just great. They made my job easy because they were so competent and took their jobs seriously.

To leave that job, I had to take a part-time job as a private swim instructor, something I swore I would never do again. For that job, I taught in the Southern California summer afternoon sun for 5 hours, twice a week with no breaks.

I also picked up a part-time catering gig, which provided hourly pay, tips (sometimes), and meals (sometimes). It also provided me an excuse to not go out on the weekends, which I couldn't afford.

At the same time as these jobs, I was trying to find a foothold to teach. I learned of an unpaid teaching opportunity in a first-year leadership course. Along with that opportunity, a group of us met regularly to talk about our teaching practice. With these opportunities, my teaching degree, and 4+ years of experience teaching at the college level, I figured I'd prove myself and find a few courses to teach for pay.

But no. While those opportunities were sold as a way to get experience and exposure, they were really an opportunity for the department to have unpaid, qualified labor. I know some folx who ran that program could be reading this, but to anyone who relies on unpaid labor: experience is not pay. Exposure is not pay. Experience and exposure do not pay the bills.

I was asked to teach the same leadership course a second time and refused to do so without pay. They found a way to give me 2 credits (instead of actual pay).

Note: The 10-16 students in each section of the class were paying full tuition.

I also started "working" as a teaching assistant for some of my favorite professors. I did so only after they announced we could get 2 credits in return for our labor. Still no pay, so still no way to pay my bills or feed myself, but at least my student loans would be a tiny bit smaller when I graduated.

Then, I managed to find a part-time position at another campus. I loved that job. Then I hated it for a couple months due to some politics. And then once my supervisor and I found we were both victims of those politics, I had the best time. Of my many, many full- and part-time jobs, that's top 2.

In addition, I was ASKED to teach in one of their programs (FOR ADEQUATE PAY) and could even add additional classes once the first one went so well.

I also picked up a job where I occasionally worked team building events around the city. It paid decently and was not only low stress but actually fun.

While I worked 1-4 jobs at a time, I still could not make ends meet. Between the high cost of living in the city and fees not covered by student loans, I struggled to make ends meet. Add on top of that the pressure to attend conferences (meaning $600+ registration fees, hotels, travel, and conference attire) to remain relevant in the field caused me to accrue credit card debt on top of my student loan debt. (One conference, EVERY day, I waited to eat until I could find a social with free food because I couldn't afford the options at the site.)

So sometime during my 4 years there, I developed anxiety. Each time a notification from my bank app notification, my heart rate would increase, and I'd go somewhere private to see what the notification was. If it was an overdraft, I cried and wondered how I would eat until my next paycheck. 

I only lost weight due to stress and lack of eating until my final few months and at conferences, when I just didn't eat regularly. Most cheap options for food are high calorie but low in nutritious value, so I ate high calorie, high fat foods, rarely getting fresh fruits and vegetables. (I recognize that in many low-SES areas and food deserts, this is how individuals and families survive. My struggle was short-term compared to what so many people go through.)

Often, my amazing roommate would notice when I wasn't eating and would cook "extra" and offer it to me. I'm so grateful for him.

I also felt so ashamed and embarrassed. I watched my classmates/friends going out to eat, going on vacations, and working one job, not 4. They were doing PhD-level research, and I was slinging sliders for wealthy people in their homes. They were complaining about their last dental visit when I was without health insurance and hadn't seen a doctor, let alone a dentist, in years.

I started taking some of my less relevant/interesting courses less seriously, focusing on my research, finding a job, and spending time doing things and with people who made me feel loved and supported. I'm sure there were professors or classmates who thought I was being lazy, and I felt guilty, but I just didn't have the energy for everything.

I managed to be the first in my cohort to defend my dissertation. I felt others' envy, jealousy, and frustration that I was done and they were not, as if I were some kind of brilliant mind who go through the program with ease. I "joked" and told them I just couldn't afford to not finish. But I really couldn't. Yes, I am good at independent work and am secretly very organized, but in this reality, I needed to get done, so I could find a job and... eat, buy health insurance, and take a fucking break.

So I did not do a good job managing my anxiety at the time. I was overwhelmed and couldn't afford to seek help (again, no insurance).

I have learned that when I feel the symptoms I need to (1) rest, (2) eat, and (3), if at all possible, get some physical activity, even just a walk. It's also incredibly helpful for me to rest my brain, to do really mindless things alone, like watch The Hunger Games for the 254th time or play the Sims. If I can find the energy, a walk or a bike ride also helps.

I also feel guilty when I give myself that break and feel anxious about the work that is piling up while I am trying to get back into the right head space to do that work.

So meditation has been so so so good as a practice to maintain my mental health. It does not seem to work for me when I am not feeling healthy. My brain starts working overtime in those moments that are supposed to be quiet. I think this is why I can't seem to make meditation a daily practice, even though I see it as incredibly valuable.

I do plan to keep adding an increased version of this goal every year. It also doesn't seem to be damaging, so maybe I can keep at it and find a strategy that works for me. In the meantime, I'll stick to intermittent meditation and highly recommend Headspace for experienced and novice practitioners.