#48 - Meditate Every Day for 7 Days

California changed me.

Nuwara Eliya in Sri Lanka

I got my start in meditation while working on my doctoral degree at the University of San Diego (USD). Ironically, during my four years at USD, a Catholic institution, I evolved from a closeted atheist to an open atheist with Buddhist leanings. Maybe it was the need to distinguish myself from the many conservative USD undergrads and alumni, but more likely, I more fully discovered my beliefs and my confidence in them through conversations with classmates and in classes, particularly in a course called Community Models of Leadership, which included a ten-day trip to Sri Lanka, a majority Buddhist country that has been ravaged by religious violence. As we would be emerging ourselves in some Sri Lankan communities, our professor, Dr. Cheryl Getz, encouraged us to explore meditation and incorporated meditation time into our few class meetings.

As soon as I decided to take the class, I sought resources to learn more about Buddhism as I find religions fascinating. I asked Dr. Evelyn Kierkley, who teaches religious studies at USD, for some suggestions. She loaned me four books and gifted me two more. I was so excited to delve into them... until I started reading them. I expected to learn about Buddhism: its origins, its tenants, the life of Buddha. Nope. All of the books were about mindfulness, connecting to self, and meditation. Our books assigned for class were either about Sri Lanka, Sarvodaya (the movement we were studying), or, again, mindfulness and meditation. I was disappointed. Ever the student, I read on anyways. The books opened me up to a new way of thinking and learning through self exploration.

In preparation for class, we were introduced to the concept of Metta: loving-kindness. Metta is an infinite love of everything. In Buddhism, the root of all suffering is attachment. To fully experience Metta, self becomes love becomes a seamless part of the Universe. Self disappears and thus, there is no possibility for attachment. Suffering vanishes. Enlightenment is achieved. Simple.

In life, my determination helps me accomplish things. Previously, when I had tried a few different types of meditation, that determination to still my mind only frustrated me. I couldn't stop beating myself up for getting distracted during meditation. This class introduced me to loving-kindness meditation. Loving-kindness meditation is one strategy for immersing oneself in Metta. This is the first type of meditation that made me feel light instead of heavy.

How it works best for me is to individually picture loved ones -- friends, family, teachers, students -- and to fully feel and send love for and to them, to wish them limitless love, health, and joy. Then, I picture people more generally, whoever feels like they need love in that moment -- people I honor, people who are suffering, people who serve -- and fully feel and send love for to them, wishing them limitless love, health, joy, and maybe also healing. Then, I picture all people. Then, I picture all living things, Then I picture everything. Love all around.

Then it gets harder. I direct the love inwards. Metta requires a love of self as well as others. That's often hard for me. So I take all of that love I sent to loved ones, strangers, and the world, and I direct it inward. I remind myself that all of the beauty I see in others is already present in me. I remind myself that those bits of myself in pain need to be loved and cared for desperately. Sometimes I need to picture those segmented pieces of myself and to send love to them as if they were separate from me, before I can accept it for myself.

Then, if I have the energy, it gets even harder. If I can, I specifically picture people I dislike, people who have hurt me, people who have hurt my loved ones. If I have the energy, I wish them the same love, health, joy, and healing. I don't always have the energy for that. There are a few people in my past I cannot yet fully wish happiness on. I don't want them to be happy. The pain is still too real. But I want to want that. So, when I have the energy, I send what I can. I know that forgiveness and love will solve so much of the world's problems. Our ability to move past the hurt that's been done to us, to fill ourselves with love, to send love, to be love, is freedom from pain, freedom from attachment to that pain. That doesn't mean freedom from the hard work the world still needs. It simply means to free oneself from the pain, which gives one more freedom to do that work. But it's hard. I send myself love and forgiveness when I cannot muster the love I want to want to feel.

While in Sri Lanka, we frequently met with Buddhist monks, a few of whom generously offered to lead us in meditation. On our second day, after several hiccups in our travel plans, we awoke in a retreat center. We traveled down the road to the Sarvodaya headquarters. We listened to Dr. Ariyaratne, the founder of Sarvodaya. He led us in a meditation. It was pleasant. Dr. Ari also told us a visiting monk from Oceania would be leading a meditation for children at the retreat center later that day. He told us maybe, if we happened upon the event, we would be invited to join... but not to tell anyone he told us that.

Later that day, at the retreat center, we happened upon a children's meditation led by a visiting monk. They invited us to join. Wonderful coincidence.

After weeks of practicing, I was confident the children's meditation would be a cake walk. I was still, happy, and open.

I remember the monk's words "...let them be well and happy..." as he led us through visions of so many people deserving of our love. My mind wandered. I beat myself up. I found myself struggling with the idea of attachment and something Dr. Ari told us earlier that I hadn't given much thought at the time. Dr. Ari had told us a story about a family where the mother was dying. Just before the mother died, she called to the oldest son. She whispered in his ear, "I don't love you anymore."

Dr. Ari explained to us this was the ultimate expression of Metta. When one fully surrenders to Metta, one no longer has any attachment. One realizes that we are all one. There is no need to love a specific person, even one who was born from one's own body, because we are all part of the Universe, the Universe is love, so we are all love. When we are all one, it is impossible to love someone more than another. One is love. She told him she didn't love him anymore because she was love, and so was he. She didn't love him. She loved everything. This mother accepted that as she passed.

Connecting with my lentils

Flash forward to the children's meditation: I couldn't stop thinking about that story and my cousin Brandon who died two years earlier. I imagined his suffering and how, as we are all one with the Universe, that suffering was also present in me. I thought of pain and self harm and sadness. I thought about his parents, my Aunt and Uncle. I imagined them letting go of their attachment to them. I thought, since letting go of him meant that he was actually within them, part of the same love that they are, that might be very freeing. He exists in their love and in all love.

Then, I found myself in agony as I imagined them letting go of their attachment to each other. I thought about couples, finding themselves in love, committing themselves to their love, sharing unimaginable pain, and then letting go of that attachment... of being alone in that pain even though someone else could understand exactly. The thought of letting go of a chosen partner was unbearable to me. What if the partner wasn't ready to let go? What if letting go caused more pain? How could there ever be children raised with love if there weren't partners who chose each other? How could children be born in love if there wasn't an attachment to another loved person? And, it was puzzling to me that I found it acceptable to let go of a child, who you brought into existence and cared for, to accept them as one with you, but not a partner, who was chosen.

When the monk coaxed us back to the outer world, I found tears streaming down my face.  In the children's meditation.

Leaving the children's meditation

A vision came to me during all of this, which ended up as a tattoo due to a dream I'd had 3 days after my cousin died.

After returning from Sri Lanka, Dr. Getz proposed simultaneous meditation time, on Tuesdays and Thursdays at 11:00am (I believe) where anyone could participate in a loving-kindness meditation wherever they were, to bring more love into the world. The first Tuesday or Thursday back was the anniversary of my cousin's death, and 2 of my classmates/dear friends agreed to meet with me in the courtyard of the student life pavilion to meditate together. It felt so wonderful to be connected to and supported by two loving, strong women. We met a few more times but then life got in the way.

I meditated occasionally on my own, usually for 5-10 minutes at a time.

But then I left California. My meditation practice fell off. I might have only meditated once during my 6 months in Boston, which was a time in my life where I felt constantly in transition and unable to settle my physical, mental, emotional, financial, and social self.

Now I am back in Chicago and I'm ready to pick up so many of the practices I learned while in California. I meditated one Saturday morning and felt so much more able to focus the rest of the day that I thought I'd work towards the 7 days in a row of meditation I had added to my list years ago.

I help me get back into meditation, I download Headspace app, which I have found immensely helpful. While I hope to develop my own silent practice, having a guided meditation has helped me refresh my practice and to explore the practices that work for me to calm my mind. Two nice features of Headspace are 1) 10 days of free guided meditation for beginners and 2) the ability to set a reminder. Because of that reminder, I did 9 days in a row of meditation and will likely continue to take 10 minutes in the afternoon of my workdays to recenter myself. As I am an introvert in many ways, a full work day sends my mind racing by the mid-afternoon, and 10 minutes of meditation brings back my focus and allows me to do much better work. I plan to pay for the subscription after my 10 days are up (some days I did on my own) and am excited to take advantage of the guided meditations on a variety of topics like sleep and relationships.

Every now and then, my list includes items that requires me to do something every day for a week (or more) or forces me to meet a target participation number. While sometimes during that period, I have to force myself to meet those targets, even though it's something I claim to want to do. Yet, I find this a really helpful method of incorporating practices into my life. While I rarely keep up the pace of the list item, during that time I learn how to build that practice into my life, how to make time and find the energy, to reflect on the benefit. I'm so thankful I did this meditation item as I am finally transitioning to a place I truly call home and giving myself a good foundation for this life.