#30 - Go to a Therapist

I'm a person who has always believed that everyone benefit from therapy. We all have things our brain has gotten twisted that then cause us suffering or frustration or anxiety or fear, etc. And therapy can help untangle those things and support us in learning new ways to interact with our world and ourselves.

Never have I had such mixed feelings about a place.

But also, I've never gone.

I mean, I suppose I went once in college to our counseling center. But I remember the guy I talked to focusing on one event in my life that really didn't interest me to talk about. Reflecting on that event, sure, it hurt and gave me some trust issues, but I got over it. I also remember there was something else I wanted to talk about, and he wouldn't let me do that. So I never went back.

I've been planning and planning to give therapy another try. I felt even more strongly during my PhD program (a) when I developed anxiety, which was really weird to develop in my mid-30s when I thought I pretty well understood they way I moved through life and (b) where everyone kept telling me that the group dynamics and adult development classes I loved so much were kinda like group therapy. I was like, oh, well, these experiences certainly are challenging, sometimes painful, but they result in so much growth. Completely worth it. I felt like my cognitive and emotional selves grew so much through those experiences.

So finally, I'm back in Chicago, and I have great insurance, so I decided to check in with my nurse practitioner (NP) and get a referral for a therapist. My NP was amazing. So compassionate, kind, and active. She gave me the names of two therapists that worked with their office. So I made an appointment.

My first appointment was more of an intake session. The doctor asked me a lot of questions. I explained that I've gotten pretty damn good at managing my depression but that anxiety was new. I explained what triggered my anxiety. And then he asked me all these questions about my family, background, and present life. And then, he kinda... seemed perplexed about why I was anxious. He even fished. Like, do you have any siblings? Yes, one brother. Do you have a relationship with him? Yes, he lives in Michigan, but we get along great. Oh. And similar questioning. I figured it was just intake stuff since we only had half an hour.

Then two weeks later I went back, to his actual office. The receptionists there were so kind and gentle. There were all kinds of people waiting. Finally the doctor came to get me and took me back to his office. And his office was so... bare. Like, so bright and no personal touches. It was weird. Like sitting in an adjunct faculty's office. 

The session was... boring. Again, he kept fishing. And then he kept saying things like, well, it seems like things are going well now. And I was like, yeah... And he was like, so maybe just give it some time. And I was like, ??? Like, that's the whole thing about anxiety. It's not reasonable. I know I'm physically safe (like, as safe as one can be in Chicago). I know I'm emotionally safe and have great relationships with loved ones, friends and family. I know I'm financially stable, even if I'm not where I want to be. I know all that. And yet, I still experience anxiety. Which is unreasonable. Which is why I was seeing a therapist. 

He even cut the visit short. Like, well, let's catch up in two weeks. So I said sure, made a follow up appointment, and then cancelled it later.

It was kind of reminiscent of my first visit to a therapist. I didn't feel heard. The only thing that was triggered was my sense that this person wasn't seeing me. And I would have talked about that because I know it's something that does trigger me. But I was not interested in talking about that with this person.

I know that it takes time to find the therapist who is the right fit. I will put this back on my list next year because I'm confident I can find someone. It may just take some trial and error, maybe some referrals. 

Suggestions welcome :)